February is almost over and the highs and lows in my life makes it feel like it’s already June. Something strange is going on with my residual limb so I’m stuck in my wheelchair for 12 weeks with 9 to go…ugh. Keep in mind I always want to be home when I’m out and about but I don’t like not having the option to go when I want to. Since this is not something I have a frame of reference for, I sit here a bit grumpily. Now, I’ve also been accepted in my dream school, in my dream program with ideal conditions for my life; ie..online. Squee!!!I’m so over the top excited I’m afraid to express it; hmm. I know that every step and turn has a purpose, but sometimes I really can’t discern the lesson to be learned. I think I’m figurng this one out.
I actually read completely through the MPN or promisary note for the first installment to my grad school student loan and by the end of it I was rocking like an old lady with her knitting needles. Good God, I’m feeling too old for this kind of “new” beginning debt. If I were just approaching 20 with stars and pixie dust dreams I’d go full speed ahead because I have plenty of time to work it off. I’m 40 years old and based just on the last decade of my life, I feel like each sunshiny day is a miracle, so a mini mountain of debt makes all my timbers shiver. Then it hit me what season I’m in.. .
We start out fully dependent on people for everything: comfort, food, safety, life. Even as dependent babies we start our fight for independence early; first we want to hold our own bottles, then we want to walk and not be held unless we want it. We start talking so we can express ourselves instead of others talking for us and getting it completely wrong, lol. Independence is ingrained in our DNA and we want every opportunity allotted for us to convey how free of others we are, even free of God sometimes. My first foray into the grad school pool was fully on my own steam. I had the age, finances, recommendations and felt like I needed another letter higher than “A” because my game was on point! Then unexpectedly I stumbled, then tumbled, then fell and now I need the people I didn’t have time for in my pursuit of happiness. I had to learn to be patient as I waited for others to help me and how to self regulate my emotions as I swung from feeling like a burden to feeling helpless and hopeless. I’ll admit that I raged against God asking why was I being punished for what I consedered a minor sin in light of the visuals around me, but it was never a punishment. It took me a LONG time to come to that conclusion. If God were to punish me then poor health would not have been the extent of it, trust me. I had entered into a phase of refinemet. I need purging and purifying. I still do and every now and then it gets a bit toasty in my head as I put my newly learned skills of taking my thoughts captive, leaning on others and believing that I’m worthy of love simply because I am.
There was a time when I fought for my independence, but now I’m fighting to stay dependent…on God. Every step of my life and especially this school experience I pause and ask God is He there. When I need to sign something or commit to something; God are you here? When I get too excited or scared; God do you see this? It’s a fight for dependence because the overwhelming feeling that I’ve got this on my own threatens to flood me with self reliant attitudes that will have me wandering in the wilderness of confusion. Where has your independence taken you? Have you wandered so far from God you don’t even realize that you’re talking and answering yourself? Do a dependence check and fight your way back to Him.
Love that, A Dependence check. Revelation for me for sure. Thank you