Month: February 2019

I’m sure we’ve all heard the phrase, “The Struggle is Real”. What does that mean and how does it factor into your faith?

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks just soaking up an understanding of grace. The messages are so good I keep replaying them to mke sure my new understanding is concrete. Romans 10:17 says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. I’ve heard this scripture a million times, but I finally got it as it applies to me this week. I grew up in a religious, denominational church setting and I’ve spent the last decade trying to separate religion from salvation. Yes, I’m speaking of the same decade I spent in a never ending revolving door of hospital stays and visits. I think I’ve always had compassion for the underdog, but it was usually those I could relate to. Now I find myself trying to stoop to levels I’ve never seen before so I can get a better understanding of those who feel dogged out. I even feel a tug to understand those who appear to have everything, but something in their beahvior seems off to me; that something is my compassion signal. It sucks, no really, it does. If you have everything, then let me go where help is needed, not expected. As one that experiences struggles internally now, let me say, the struggle is real! Glory to God!! That probably sounded strange, but let me explain. When apathy was my default setting, there was no struggle. I was engaged or completely apathetic. Have I mentioned apathy is like my favorite pair of pajamas and cup of tea and schnack all wrapped into a feeling? (I purposely mispronounce words to exaggerate my love for them). Sounds great right? Problem is apathy keeps me from other people, family and friends, those God could use me to reach, etc. As long as I struggle with my innate desire to burrow myself, God can reach and use me.When I read or hear about someone struggling with an issue, I praise God. Struggling represents God is actively at work and that person is still in position to receive deliverance. Don’t let an organization or person make you feel like your struggle is the absence of God, it’s not. It means God is using all means necessary to draw you and work something through and out of you.

Trust me, I know. I’ve spent years, (Years!) feeling envious and as a result bitter. It probably didn’t help that my nuturing environment was full of comparisons where I always came up short, but it continued as I became an adult. I’ve struggled with this issue for so long that I almost didn’t recognize my deliverance. Usually when I celebrate with someone it is always followed with a pity-party of when is it my turn. This past week I was celebrating the goodness of God in the lives of my two bestfriends. I mean truly and genuinely happy for the progress in their lives! When I hung up the phone with each of them I turned back to my assignment/purpose. I had typed something out before God tapped me on the shoulder and asked how I was feeling. Well, I was a bit hungry and hadn’t taken any medicine for my discomfort yet, but overall I was ok. He asked did I notice the absence of envy and the accompanying whining? Well, now that I think about it, yeah; what is that? He said freedom and deliverance. I am so focused on doing what I know I’m purposed to do that I don’t have the space, mentally or emotionally, to bemoan imagined lack in my life.

If you’re struggling with something, keep fighting. Don’t let anyone convince you that a struggle means God is not with you; the fact that you struggle is proof that His presence is right there with you. Keep struggling until you get delivered and you can see it for yourself.​

I’m praying no one reading this is experiencing domestic violence in any form, Amen.

I am a writer. My craft, gift and enjoyment are all centered around words, which may be why I don’t speak a lot because words are precious. That being said, I am NOT an artist, let alone a graphic designer. I’ve written a book that I would love to release to the world, but the hiccup/heartburn of producing the cover gives me acid reflux. (Where oh where are the TUMS!!!) I desparately want to hire this process out, but God has insisted I do this myself; bummer. Day after day I struggle to figure out what the guidlines mean and how to comply with them. I’m over all of it. I’d love to pick a stock photo and complete my project, but my cover was specifically given to me and drawn exactly as spoken, so there’s no going around that. So, my frustration builds up daily, I may have a few bald spots in my hair and the snacks never stop. I woke up this morning with my ticker tape going at a clipped pace as I began to see and understand some things. This book is a process for me, yes it may benefit others, but I’m seeing, learning and loving myself as I crank this bippie out. Who knew? I constantly beat myself up internally in my frustration and forget to celebrate the small milestones along the way. Do you do that as well?

When I was in school, they taught us how to take a test. You glance over the whole thing and do the problems you have confidence in getting right first. You do this because as you correctly complete each problem you are internally boosting your mood and confidence, so when you arrive at the harder ones you feel encouraged to try and not feeling defeated because of your struggle. I was learning life lessons then and didn’t even know it.

Today my heart was burdened with Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you should answer everyone”. Did you know that you are one of the everyone mentioned? Perhaps you have a kind word and a grace for everyone but yourself, I know I do. I am constantly pulverizing myself for not being motivated to exercise, for not knowing how to do something, for indulging…etc. I’ll admit I have a hyperactive sense of internal responsibility; I’m an introvert and I have some control issues, so forgive me. I went to a seminar this past weekend that had an activity which completely floored me. The exercise was simple: take some post-its and write things you like/love about yourself and fill a mason jar with your affirmations. I have small hand-writing, so I tore the papers in half for each attribute. What bamboozled me was the fact that I had things to put on the paper. Just one year ago I would not have been able to write a single, solitary thing. Glory to God!

Maybe like me you have grace, patience and exhortations for everyone but yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Ask God to open the pantry of your heart and to show you the sugar, seasoning salt and pepper flakes so that you too can become the wonderful dish you lovingly serve to others.​

In this time of heightened sensitivities, I make it a personal point to be un-offendable. That’s not to say that things don’t bother me, but I refuse to engage the road to blown out war because of miscommunication. So things that would normally cause me to sputter, I call them pricks. It’s a tiny sting that causes me to pause and decide how I will respond. It is a mental exercise, believe me.So a few weeks ago my sister pricked me. She didn’t mean to and I knew it, but I felt stung anyway. It’s not easy getting on the transplant list and the conditions must be exact at the time of the call to receive one. She, like most people on dialysis, wants a transplant; I did not. I’m extremely grateful that I have her (Karen my kidney), but she wasn’t wanted. So my sister was condemning herself for a little dietary lapse over the weekend and before I could console her, she graced herself with the fact that if I got a kidney, she could too. I felt pricked.There were so many implications in that statement that it felt less like a blood draw and more like an IV insertion. I would’ve said bee sting, but I’ve never been stung by one so I stick to what I know. This could be all in my head, but here’s my process:

The implication that I didn’t deserve a transplant because I was non compliant. Not exactly true; I was compliant I just didn’t put any extra energy to go above the minimum. Keep in mind, my end game was to die, not live.

The implication that only people who have everything together should get transplants. Hmph. Dialysis is not the same for any two people, but I’ve yet to meet someone with a story comparable to mine. It is very easy to see someone’s physical state and assume you know everything about them. I didn’t used to do that and you couldn’t pay me to do it now. Behaviors start inside and manifest out, the more intense the behavior the deeper you should dig to find the root.

The conversation led me to Matthew 5:45-46 where it says the sun shines and the rain falls on the just and unjust. This is another lesson in Grace for me. I’m sure no one will feel about a transplant the way I feel about mine. We, Karen and I, still have days where we eye each other from opposite corners, but the humbleness, gratefulness and awareness of God is new for me. These feelings wouldn’t be present if I thought I did everything right and had waited long enough and deserved it. This lesson in Grace made me check my thoughts as well. How many times have I observed someone getting what I wanted and pulled out a mental laundry list of why they don’t deserve it. Ouch!!! As a believer, my best praise comes from the darkest corners of my life and that light draws others to come see how can that be. Unbelievers need breaks from darkness so that one day they will recognize that God is who He said He is. Undeserved miracles, favor and breaks are the best times to see God.When you feel pricked, take a moment before you respond, you might be the break someone needs in that dark time.​