Month: October 2017

Debbie Downer…..

Song: Don’t let it get you down by Deleon Richards

3 months post transplant….
October 5th marks the third month Karen and I have been together…and oh boy. I never considered a transplant a “cure” for kidney disease, but I didn’t expect the process to rival my diagnosis years either. So at the 3 month mark I’m supposed to be returned to my original health care providers and starting to save money on parking. Since my journeys are never simplistic, here’s how it’s gonna go. I got to worry about insurance coverage because UCLA has decided I’m not stable enough to release yet. I’ve had a couple of put me completely under anesthesia surgeries, because, well, that’s just how we roll. So at my last appointment, the doctor is explaining the process from here on out. I of course ask for the complications that might pop up and he tells me. At the worst, I’m looking at another major surgery. Yay.😒
I leave the appointment, get in my car and chit chat with myself….conversation went something like this:
“Why are you down cast, o my soul? (Psalms 42:5-6) because I’m tired of being cut on, tired of holding in how I really feel and frankly, I do not need another reason to be mad at God.(A Walk to Remember, Nicholas Sparks).
“Out of the heart, the mouth speaks..” (Matthew 15:18) true, but I’ve already been alerted to the fact that bitterness and apathy are slowly encroaching on my mind and heart. Kinda at the point where I don’t even know what to pray for anymore. I’m getting the distinct impression that my stubbornness is blocking my view of the lesson. Instead of asking for revelation, I’m stubbornly asking for the removal of the issue. Can’t hurt to ask, right?

Burden of proof…..

 

Song: I Am God by Donald Lawrence and Tri City Singers

Have you ever wondered why the burden of proof of the existence of God falls on the believer? I’ll admit I used to get flustered when asked, but no longer.
I don’t have to prove anything because it’s all in your perspective about what you see. What are you looking for?
Whenever I get a new car I immediately start seeing it everywhere. The question becomes; were they always there and I didn’t notice or did my car send out some kind of Nissan bat signal? The answer…both. As I snuggle deeper into the appreciation of my car I began to look for characteristics that are significant to Nissan. Then I began to notice other types of cars in the brand family. The existence of God works about the same way. When you have not yet accepted Christ all you are able to do is see the pain and destruction caused by what seems like His absence. It’s almost like having a cataract removed: the view becomes clearer and you notice that He was never absent, you just didn’t notice Him. Where you once saw hatred you now see that flicker of love that refuses to be extinguished. Where there was once sickness and pain you see His sustaining power allowing that person to hold on despite everything. The presence of hurt and bitterness becomes times of reflection and healing allowing you to move on away from that dark place in time. Insecurities and fear are fertile grounds to find inner strength and peace, making you feel like you can conquer the world once you get past this situation.
I don’t have to prove God exists because He proves Himself time and time again. I dare you to give me situation that troubles you and I will show you God’s presence in the midst.
Isaiah 55:6 Seek Him while He may be found.

What’s the big deal?…..

 

Song:Love has no color by The Winans

As children most of us have tried to use the excuse “but they He or she did it “.
It never seemed to fly before but apparently it’s the “in” thing now.
First time I heard a curse word was on the school playground. Sounded neat😜. The kid I heard it from went about his business…I used it at home and got smacked in the mouth. Same word, different setting.
We all have nicknames or pet names for the important people in our lives and they have some for us…but if you’re in a relationship of some sort and someone outside of the relationship uses that name, the atmosphere changes. You can’t call my husband (if I had one) honey and expect it to go smoothly…for you. Harmless word, but the meaning and connotation changes depending on the person. Why is that so hard to understand today???
The N Word is always going to be around just like it’s always been around, but this Word is never gonna fall into the “can’t we all just get along” category.
It’s unfortunate, but this is always a line in the sand situation where the side you’re on depends on your race, plain and simple. Doesn’t make it right, but very little in the world is right today.

Time and seasons….

Song:Seasons Change by Bishop Paul S. Morton

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
It’s supposedly Fall and with that comes Pumpkins!…I personally don’t care for pumpkins, but that’s neither here nor there. There are pumpkins everywhere; in pies, breads, drinks,etc. I noticed it only shows up around October though. I haven’t seen and no one is looking for pumpkins in April or June….Now for my point.
I have a habit of try to keep things and people beyond their expiration date. When it goes bad, as it should, I find myself wanting to do a prayer sound check with God….Something like, “Testing 1,2, testing..can you hear me God? Testing “.
Saw an ex-boyfriend of mine the other day and went home to worship. I kept him Way beyond his usefulness. And just like dying produce or meat, the relationship began to fester and stink and produce illnesses in my spirit, heart and mind. When it was completely over I had to detox my body, refresh my spirit and reprogram my mind because I had been poisoned.
Perhaps like me you have issues sharing and letting go. This applies to people, things, places and schnacks. As I go through my daily devotions and prayer time I’ve found that all my issues come back to my square one; trust.
I’m so glad God is long suffering, because each situation I get into requires me to answer the same question every time…do you trust me?
Honestly, sometimes I get it right and I do an imaginary handstand (I’ve never been able to do one for real) and sometimes I get it stubbornly wrong, as I stomp my feet, pout my lips and declare that I’m right and what’s being asked of me is too much. Yes, yes I am fully aware of
1 Corinthians 10:13, but this is about how I feel not what I know.
I’ve realized Time is so important to God that it’s one of His top gifts to us, right alongside Salvation, Grace and Mercy. But I learned this Sunday that my impatience with His timing is all tied up in my faith and of course, my trust in Him…(just can’t seem to get away from that).
I stay in prayer for His patience with me, His help with my unbelief and His strength with my issues. I feel like I’m being given bites that are to big to swallow, but He always reminds me that I know how to chew and digest everything I’ve been given before and that I have yet to choke.

Death….

Song: A Change is gonna com by Wayne Brady

Oh death, where is your sting?
1 Corinthians 15:55
I realized that topics that make others uncomfortable are topics they don’t have to deal with. As a chronically ill person I’ve looked death in the eyeball more times than probably should be allowed. Once I beheld a coffin that housed my mother, death lost all power over me. I had life insurance at 20 years old and when that lapsed due to, you guessed it, illness, I secured burial insurance. I joke about when it’s gonna happen, how I’d like to go and what I want to wear. Seriously…did I just make you uncomfortable? You probably have a “Hold on Jesus, I’m almost through with my bucket list “ situation going on, so you probably can’t relate. I’m aware and compassionate and tactful about this topic around others because I understand everyone isn’t where I am. I’d like to believe I’d never be callous enough to someone to get over it or just move on because we’re all going to die or even if they just complied with whatever defines health these days they could live longer…..sounds nuts huh?…..
So with the racial unrest in our societal climate these days…why are people saying racism isn’t real? Or that the race card can’t always be played for every situation?
In psychology 101 we learned about controlled experiments, where two situations are exactly the same minus one variable…usually the variable is a sugar pill or a placebo….but what if the only difference or the “placebo” is my skin color?
Open for discussion,
But I don’t want to be so heaven bound I’m no Earthly good

Until it happens….

Song: I’ll Trust You by Richard Smallwood

I will start by saying I tend to straddle the fence a lot. I’m a professed gray area person and I’m comfortable there. I have a severe case of me, my four/five and a couple more and no more. I’m very clannish and I recognize this.
I fully believe Black Lives Matter, but I’m not one to automatically jump on the all police are evil train either. I’ve had relatives and friends who were and are police officers and I’ve had relatives and friends who were and are military, so there is no obvious side for me to be on.
Because I tend to be apathetic about my own life, I suffer from a certain sense of detachment when hearing about certain situations….God and I are working on that.
But, it was just the other day that I realized how much I’ve internalized all that’s happening in the nation. I stay in constant prayer for my small groups and branch out towards everyone else. I pray especially for this generation because they are not even 3 whole generations away from slavery and are prone to feel like those lessons don’t apply to them…and they don’t or didn’t until the basic fabric of moral decency started unraveling.
So, on my way to my appointment yesterday, I took the street because the freeway was not moving. I vaguely remembered some back streets my sister showed me and took one. I went as far as it went and was heading back towards the main street when I stopped at a light. I’m singing with my radio and glance in the rear view mirror. There was a police car behind me. Normally that wouldn’t concern me, but the speed of the things and questions going through my mind was astounding.
My car is not even a year old, so no outward problems.
Shoot, I meant to put my registration and insurance in my sun visor to avoid the glove box.
I’m at a red light, so there’s no speed involved.
Did my family know how much I loved them and would they remember where my papers are?
And so on and so on. Seems a little extreme doesn’t it? But this was real to me, heart palpitations and all. They made a right turn before I even got past the light, but I was shocked into a new level of awareness.
I don’t want to be so heaven minded that I’m no earthly good.

Sounds like bird, tastes like chicken…..

Song: Reflection by Anita Wilson

You’re probably thinking duck, but I don’t eat duck and believe it or not this has nothing to do with food. The title is a mental game I play with myself. I might have mentioned that I’m partially deaf, so a lot of what I “hear” is visually and contextually gleaned. I’ve gotten pretty good at this over the years and it’s always something I do to avoid drawing attention to myself……So…..
As the world appears to be losing all semblance of sense, in any form, I noticed that the word Christian is being bandied about. I read something so extra wow that I got my bible out and did a bit of research to make sure I wasn’t going completely nuts. So here it is; if a person does one big gesture that fits into the mold of how a “Christian” should act or feel, then they are considered Saved or Delivered. Despite all previous, current on going and verbal disparities. I’ve admitted before that I struggle with reconciling what I was taught and what seems true today, but come on.
Let me start by saying gifts and fruits of the spirit are different; and while I believe you can have or demonstrate both, I also believe you can exhibit a gift with zero fruit bearing. Analogies are how I make sense of the world, so this is what I came up with…..no one goes to an apple orchard looking at the ground for pretty wrapped boxes. The same applies to Christmas, no one goes to pick out a tree combing the branches for an apple. May I ask why do we treat people that way?
I once had someone tell me I wasn’t going to heaven because I didn’t speak in tongues. They caught me on a bad day because I told them that we’ll probably be going to hell together because the man she was sexing was not her husband, and she did have one. (Total tangent)
My point is I’d personally rather exhibit the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) because that is a sign of the presence of God, gifts (Romans 12:6-8)!are without repentance (Romans 11:29), meaning, you can use what you were born with having never to acknowledge God for it. Still trying to figure out my gift, but so thankful for the processes that manifest my fruit.