I promise this has nothing to do with swindled money. I’m actually referring to how I’m feeling right now.
Judges 6:36-40 is the story of Gideon, the most relatable character I can think of. His situation is dire, his nation is suffering and he’s being called to do something about it.
Boy can I relate!
The thing is, Gideon is a bit scared; ok, he’s a coward. God has called him to do something great and he starts listing his disqualifications. As I raise both of my hands in the air, I go over my litany of why God should go bother someone else and let me sleep. So as Gideon resigns himself to the fact that God is not budging, he starts the fleecing process….
Welcome to where I am 24/7.
He puts out a piece of fleece and starts the timer, hoping his fear gets validated.
“God if it’s you, make this wet”.
“God if it’s you, make this dry”.
Translation: “God show me the complete plan so I feel more comfortable “. Umm, yeah, no.
I, like Gideon, want absolute assurance that I’m moving in the direction God has set for me, but I don’t want to move until I can see the guarantee of success. Ever been there? You are almost immobilized by fear and uncertainty because you don’t trust….yourself, the process, etc.
Am I the only person whose main issue in life seems to be the drain that everything else circles around?
My idea is becoming a burden.
My dreams are shifting.
My hope is inflating.
Thank you God
Month: February 2018
What’s in your bag…..
2018 is all about changing my perspective. Every day and every situation my prayer and choice is to see beyond the obvious. I’m not super spiritual, so I’m not talking about the invisible; but I don’t want to be on the visual bandwagon either.
As a rather passive person I never realized how much work went into Romans 12:2, “do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind,…”.
The first part isn’t all that difficult for me; I’ve never actually fit in, so no biggie. But that mind renewal is more exercise than biking up a steep hill!
It makes you think, become more aware and actively choose to participate in the process…did I mention I tend to be stationed in passivity?
As chubby as I am physically, my mind is like a boxer in continuous training: ducking and weaving, lunging and squatting, I just got tired thinking about it 😂. But really, I’m always thinking or planning my “next”. If you are like me then you understand how frustrating being in the “now” is.
I’ll admit my “next” always seems to be especially rife with dark and dire scenarios and even in that I have to renew and transform my mind, because those thoughts don’t reflect who I believe God to be.
A few years ago my stepmom gave me a crucial key to my journey with Christ. She said, “go to God and take everything moment by moment”. I still use this method today.
When the feelings of being an utter and complete failure wash against my mind, I tug on my backpack of faith and go moment to moment, reminding myself that God Still has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11).
When feelings of overwhelming anxiety threatens to drag me under the “what if’s and how comes”, I go moment to moment in prayer and supplication with God until I am anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6).
I’ve picked up so many nuggets of wisdom and rocks of reassurance that everyday it becomes easier to resist the urge to float away in mental turmoil.
Do you have an emergency bag? What’s in it? What you put in is most definitely what you get out.
Thank You God
Battling Theology……
Song: I’m Encouraged by Thomas Whitfield
Rough title, I know.
If you weren’t aware, I’ve got some health issues that are physically creeping into the psychological.
(That was good 🧐).
So I always seem to be struggling with something. Physically I can handle it; it’s when I try to marry my situations with my understanding of God that the battle begins. I’d like to think we have moved beyond believing sickness and poverty are indicative of the absence of God. Perhaps.
I’d like to think that we’ve embraced being saved by grace and not by our works. Maybe. We give good lip service to this one, but do we really believe it? Personally, I’m not sure.
Have you ever felt something inside that refutes what is being said to you? I get this feeling all the time.
Let me start by saying, I will not die, not now and not from this. I appreciate the prayers and words of healing that are spoken over and to me. But something inside me says not now, not yet. I can’t deny the changes this process has yielded, but doubt is ever present. I always think: maybe if I was more of an extrovert, I’d get better. Maybe if I did more noticeably religious stuff, I’d get better. Maybe if I was still a virgin, this wouldn’t be so hard. Etc, etc, etc.
I often feel like I’m still trying to earn God’s love, favor and attention. I envy those that cry when they bring that one thing to mind or dance so easily just thinking about His goodness.
That’s not me.
I often play the mental “what if” game and there I go in distraction land.
Still grasping that I am loved just because I am.
Thank You God
Laid Bare…..
Song: Broken and Blessed by Carmen Calhoun
I willingly admit that I’m struggling with my identity. I will also admit that in that struggle there is an unhealthy dose of depression, envy and hopelessness. 2017-2019 are the years of turning 40 for a lot of my friends and I. I’m sure once we realized that adulthood was not what we dreamed and it was here to stay, that we made a list of things we’d hope to have or accomplish by then.
Let me assure you, my current situation was not even on my radar.
So my Facebook timeline is flooded with amazing people doing amazing things and I truly celebrate all of them. Then I turn my phone or computer off and shiver in the misting rain of depression. It sucks, big time.
I’ve noticed that whatever I struggle with internally is what God addresses in my prayer time, in my devotions and in everything I listen to. Coincidence? I don’t believe in them.
Last week was about comparisons; this week is about envy and identity.
I knew this would be more than a week long lesson, but I feel it’s going to be a while before I truly grasp it.
I peeked out my introduction page to my blog and realized that my identity is wrapped in what has happened to me and who I’m connected to. Neither of those are bad, but if you strip it all away, nothing has the power to wash me of depression. The last thing I mention is that I’m a believer…it should have been first. That identity is why the flood hasn’t carried me to the edge of suicidal thoughts. That identity is why my smile is genuine. That identity is why I can encourage even though….just gonna leave that there.
This is just another process that’s been a long time coming and is deeply rooted, so it’s gonna hurt…. But…..Thank You God!