Song: Wishful Thinking by Vivian Green
I got asked the question of the century and I had no answer. Anyone that truly knows me knows that all I’ve proclaimed to want from this life is 3 M’s: a Masters degree, a marriage and a little girl named Mia. That’s it! I never thought it was too tall an order for God and it was perfectly attainable for me, so I wouldn’t even have to bother Him too much. I cannot explain the utter devastation of seeing each one of these requests get knocked down off the list. I am physically unable to bear children..not overly upset, I only wanted one and I’d like to think it doesn’t make me any less female if I don’t have one.
Marriage is a bust because, yeah, that whole trust issue. It’s a biggie and the world is on a special level of crazy now, so that’s ok.
I will admit that I’ve held on to that last wish with a tenacity that I didn’t know I had. I just couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t have one. I did everything society said, graduated from high school and college with honors, got degrees in related fields and actually got accepted into the program….but there was always an obstacle…Always. The first 3-4 times landed me in the hospital in pain causing me to miss orientations and deadlines. The last time, I asked God to simply have them tell me no. I was over hospitalizations and frustrations. Do you know I got a letter that said no?!? The belly flop I did was Olympic worthy. God WHY??? You’ve blocked all other dreams and I accepted that semi gracefully, but this?? There’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to do this.
By this time I’ve come to the erroneous conclusion that my days are numbered and the end was near. I settled myself snuggly in apathy waiting for the call to glory. My sister asked me why I was going so hard towards this goal/degree.
I had no answer…I do now.
I had been validating myself with stuff, in this case, degrees. My feelings of not being enough had me fixated on the idea that all I had going for me was being smart. I viewed a masters degree as being the thing that made me acceptable and worthy of, well, everything.
Perhaps God has led me to this place of separation to show me how He sees me. I’ll admit that every complication and hiccup makes my vision blurry. Every time I peer into the future and it’s hidden in some San Francisco fog. I freak all the way out. This is where God meets me; He sends devotions and songs and scriptures and people that remind me that He has plans for me (Jer 29:11).
I get reminded that worrying won’t add one cubit to my short self
(Matt 6:26-27).
I’m believing that each incident is revealing who God is and who I am to become.💖