In this time of heightened sensitivities, I make it a personal point to be un-offendable. That’s not to say that things don’t bother me, but I refuse to engage the road to blown out war because of miscommunication. So things that would normally cause me to sputter, I call them pricks. It’s a tiny sting that causes me to pause and decide how I will respond. It is a mental exercise, believe me.So a few weeks ago my sister pricked me. She didn’t mean to and I knew it, but I felt stung anyway. It’s not easy getting on the transplant list and the conditions must be exact at the time of the call to receive one. She, like most people on dialysis, wants a transplant; I did not. I’m extremely grateful that I have her (Karen my kidney), but she wasn’t wanted. So my sister was condemning herself for a little dietary lapse over the weekend and before I could console her, she graced herself with the fact that if I got a kidney, she could too. I felt pricked.There were so many implications in that statement that it felt less like a blood draw and more like an IV insertion. I would’ve said bee sting, but I’ve never been stung by one so I stick to what I know. This could be all in my head, but here’s my process:
The implication that I didn’t deserve a transplant because I was non compliant. Not exactly true; I was compliant I just didn’t put any extra energy to go above the minimum. Keep in mind, my end game was to die, not live.
The implication that only people who have everything together should get transplants. Hmph. Dialysis is not the same for any two people, but I’ve yet to meet someone with a story comparable to mine. It is very easy to see someone’s physical state and assume you know everything about them. I didn’t used to do that and you couldn’t pay me to do it now. Behaviors start inside and manifest out, the more intense the behavior the deeper you should dig to find the root.
The conversation led me to Matthew 5:45-46 where it says the sun shines and the rain falls on the just and unjust. This is another lesson in Grace for me. I’m sure no one will feel about a transplant the way I feel about mine. We, Karen and I, still have days where we eye each other from opposite corners, but the humbleness, gratefulness and awareness of God is new for me. These feelings wouldn’t be present if I thought I did everything right and had waited long enough and deserved it. This lesson in Grace made me check my thoughts as well. How many times have I observed someone getting what I wanted and pulled out a mental laundry list of why they don’t deserve it. Ouch!!! As a believer, my best praise comes from the darkest corners of my life and that light draws others to come see how can that be. Unbelievers need breaks from darkness so that one day they will recognize that God is who He said He is. Undeserved miracles, favor and breaks are the best times to see God.When you feel pricked, take a moment before you respond, you might be the break someone needs in that dark time.