Not Enough…

It’s graduation season and I’m surrounded by happy graduates. Some I can genuinely celebrate, some I’m happy for and a couple I’m kinda like, “good for ya”. Not hating, but most of these celebrations make me want to crawl under a rock and cry.
I think I’ve discerned the season I’m in personally; I’m cooking, both spiritually and physically. Truly, I don’t know if I’m having a hot flash, got an undetected infection or it could be the Hot Cheetos I enjoy so much. Who knows? I do know that my desire to obey God is becoming stronger than my desire to be free of uncomfortable situations. Seriously, I want out of whatever this is but something inside me says stay put and let the impurities slough off. Dude.
What impurities?? Glad you asked. Some are newly discovered and some I thought I was over. I can even show you the victory dance I did over them. So, comparison and envy; I thought I had become content with my lot in life but what I had become was resigned. Resigned to thinking that God may love me but not enough to let me attain my heart’s desire. Bitterness, I know I buried that one; the dirt is still under my nails. I’m still dirty because I may feel like I’ve surrendered my will, but each celebration of accomplishments for someone else is a reminder that I don’t think God is enough in my own life.
That was probably blasphemy for some people, but this is my season of transparency. My words say “God, I’m surrendered, but my tears say “God give me this and I’ll feel whole”. My desperate desire for “letters” after my name are my way of telling God He is not enough to fill the hole inside of me. That hole I covered with the scabs that told me since I wasn’t pretty enough, at least I was smart. Smart kept moving when I discovered there were things beyond a high school diploma to attain. But He Is. He is so much more than enough. His patience with me is everlasting because I cry daily in my tumble cycle of feeling inadequate.
I’ll tell you a secret: I talk badly to myself. Truly! When I get confused or fuzzy headed about how to start something I say, “I don’t know what I’m doing”. I actually say this out loud and don’t let someone ask me what I’m doing, I shrivel all the way up. Innocent inquiry, but to me it says someone can see that I’m inadequate. Is it a lie? No, but my spirit doesn’t know if I mean just this task or life in general.
What are you telling yourself? I’ll tell you what God told me…
I’ve already got letters behind my name:

DoK: Daughter of the King
CoG: Child if God
BaHF: Blessed and Highly Favored
FoF: Free of fear and failure

Can you add your own?